Oneiroi [epilogue]
Oct. 7th, 2011 04:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mclachlandThere is a tree on a sun-soaked hill, an elm with resigned branches that births globules of light and thought, heavy fruit sprouting wings. They tear from the boughs and fly away, leaving the sad elm, never to return and never missed. More blossom in their place almost immediately.
He studies it -- this well-oiled machine -- and is so engrossed in the process that he does not hear the heavy footsteps in the grass behind him.
"It was the first of my dreams," Dean says, coming to stand beside Cas. He shoves his hands into his pockets and looks up at the tree with a critical eye -- usually reserved for the Impala or a piece of pie. Except this is not Dean. "I wanted an extension of me, a piece to do my work should I find myself far away. A part of me, a dream that dreams."
"It is magnificent," Cas admits, watching the process with awe. The fruit, the creatures he has come to know and fear and understand, pull away and drift into the sky. The oneiroi will find the minds of the inhabitants of some world out there, whether it is Earth or a place that does not know of angels and humans and a failed deity's kingdom. He tracks them until they leave his sight.
Dean rocks on his heels and then gazes out into the fields, sunlight reflected back in his eyes, his skin, and Cas is not sure how he could have ever thought this poorly-made copy was Dean Winchester. "It will not be long. A blip. A blink. A breath, and then you will finally be here, my Castiel, dreaming of me."
At the bottom of the hill, the tall grasses rustle and part, and Cas cannot contain the smile that blossoms across his face.
"Cas!"
He shakes his head, still smiling. "You're mistaken. It's true that someday I will be here. I will dream for you, perhaps even with you, but… I will never dream of you."
His words are final, and he leaves Morpheus on the hill to wait for the end of this blip, blink, breath.
Running down the gilded slope to join Dean, Cas holds him careful and close, swallowing his laughter and pulling him back into the grass, into gold, until they disappear.
that you will hold me dear.
Though I'm far away I whisper your name into the sky,
and I will wake up happy.”
End.
Notes:
So, I guess when I said that "Named" was my first and last Big Bang story, I lied. "Oneiroi" was a long time in coming, actually, having first been an original screenplay about a girl who goes into Demos Oneiroi to rescue the kid she's in love with. In 2009, I was gearing up to seriously give thought to shopping it around when I heard that Christopher Nolan was making a movie about dreams. I ended up shelving it, because who would ever contend with Christ Nolan (even if our plots were completely and utterly different)? I ended up using it for my DCBB mostly because I had only a month to write it and I could come up with nothing else.
Writing from Castiel's POV was the hardest thing about it and I probably (re: definitely) will never do that again.
I'm glad I wrote it, but I'm fucking stoked it's over. On to new things!
Thanks:
I would be completely in the wrong if I didn't thank the people who yelled/cajoled/threatened/bribed/sat up until the wee hours of the morning with/loved me throughout June and July.
First and foremost, thanks to my betas
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
peroxidepest17 and nanoochka for pretty much carrying me through the writing process. I'm sure they were ready to murder me in cold blood if I were to say "OH GOD I CAN'T DO THIS" one more time, and no jury would convict them. Between the late night chats, treating them like my own personal sounding board, and bothering them around 2am and pleading for reassurance, I honestly couldn't have done it without them. Thank you so very much. I owe you girls everything -- and by everything, I mean most if not all of my viable, transplantable organs. I love you both.Thanks to
miki_moo, my fabulous artist, for her wonderful work! She is one of the sweetest, most enthusiastic people I've ever had the privilege of working with. She did a great job -- EVERYONE GO CHECK OUT HER ART!Thanks to
timetravel, staraflur, nightanddaze, alexwhitman25, and everyone else who cheerleaded/kicked my ass.And, of course, as always: thanks to
tigbit for being there. <3
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-10-12 02:32 am (UTC)The torture scenes were really well done, and that horrible moment when Sam and Cas think they've left the dream realm and can't get back in but the part that undid me completely was Castiel's favorite dream with Dean, and their life together. That just UNDID ME.
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Date: 2011-10-13 03:44 am (UTC)Thank you so much for your wonderful comment! I'm so glad you liked it!
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Date: 2011-10-12 03:22 am (UTC)I pretty much lost my shit when Cas confessed to Dean that he couldn't be awake in a world where Dean was not. Cas's sacrifice, the simple way he kept moving towards a goal, towards Dean, without much thought of his own angst and pain really drove home how much, how deeply ingrained Dean is in Cas.
Everything was so vivid, from your intro, to the description of each dream and I have to admit, I had to slow myself down from reading because I wanted to get to Cas's favorite dream so badly (I knew it had to happen) and it didn't disappoint. There's something so endearing about Dean the way you write him through Cas's eyes and actually, something endearing about Sam as well. There's a gentleness in the Winchesters the way you write them that I think is very true to form but I don't think many people capture them. I like when they're less brittle, when you see them really shine through and I appreciate that in this fic.
I love the Cas/Sam friendship, the way that built. I love that Bobby had a cameo, I got sick at the torturing part, I'm still crying. Thank you for writing this, it was amazing and a complete joy to read.
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Date: 2011-10-13 03:48 am (UTC)So, thank you so much for writing such beautiful feedback (as well as any kind of feedback XD). I'm so happy that this story made you feel something -- or a bunch of somethings, as it were! <3333
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Date: 2011-10-12 04:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-13 03:55 am (UTC)Thank you so much! <333
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Date: 2011-10-12 05:51 am (UTC)I thought you did a marvelous job w/ the feeling of dread w/ the dinosaurs and the fakeout diner and the lost dude speaking a Slavic language, and I loved the flashes of humor, and the bit where Cas tells Sam to stop making fun of him for getting some references wrong (I think it touched upon a universal desire to, well, not be ridiculed -- everyone needs to feel respected by someone, I think, just as we need some kind of love, be it familial or romantic or what) but my favorite part was the boat dream. I loved how mundane and gentle it was -- Sam calling it boring was a highlight of the story. I just thought it was very special.
Brilliant tale, and engrossing, and I shall dream about it now. There shall be no doors in my dreams, though! Thank you so much for sharing your imagination and skill w/ us!
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Date: 2011-10-14 03:10 am (UTC)Anyway. I took half an ambien a few minutes ago and I'm kinda ramble-y, but thank you so much for the wonderful feedback. AND GOOD, I'M GLAD YOUR DREAMS ARE DOORLESS. AS THEY SHOULD BE.
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Date: 2011-10-12 06:42 am (UTC)How do I love it? I can't even begin to count the ways. Just know that the image of Cas teetering in a doorway, gazing out into endless realms of Hubble-esque beauty, and JUMPING--for Dean--will stick with me for a long long time.
Not enough applause in the world. I feel I owe (another) debt of gratitude to one C. Nolan! :D
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Date: 2011-10-14 03:18 am (UTC)Holy crap, that is some high praise. I don't even know what to do with that. I'm currently hiding my face in my hands and squealing. My dog's looking at me, like, "there is something wrong in your brain, bitch."
Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I'm so, so happy you enjoyed it!
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Date: 2011-10-12 02:40 pm (UTC)There's always some interest in seeing an author write well and then wondering if the next thing will be just as well or eh or totally the same thing in a not good way. This was perfect. Originally, what drew me to Named was your summary. It was perfect. It told me nothing about the story (well, not REALLY) but made me want to read it. This summary was the exact same thing. You should give a class on summaries.
Anyway, before this gets too weird and creepy, I just want to say that your prose and voice are both amazing. The original and interesting plot aside, the way you write your characters is actually amazing. Even through Castiel's POV, you manage to give Sam, Dean, Gabriel, Isis, and even Morpheus completely unique voices. You give readers this amazing ability to hear them as if we were RIGHT THERE and listening. It's great. Your descriptions are poetic without being long and confusing, and you balance the line between prose and plot very well.
And your plot was great. That's such a bummer about Inception, because the whole time I was reading this I was thinking "I'd see that movie." It converted well into SPN though, and the way you handled Castiel's belief in his father and the discovery of Morpheus was beautiful.
My favorite part, my absolute favorite part, is the way you handle Castiel's in-between phase as human and angel. I loved that his grace was literally ripped from him and that he struggled to adjust. The best part of the whole thing was during his Re-education, when you really beautifully combined his experience as an angel in heaven with his new human senses, how he knew there wasn't that physicality to heaven, but he saw it anyway and it made sense.
Anyway, this is getting long and creepy. In short, you are a wonderful writer and this was a beautiful story.
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Date: 2011-10-14 03:27 am (UTC)The first thing I would like to address is the one line summary. Honestly? I can't write summaries for shit. At all. The working summary for this story was "CAS AND SAM'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE IN DREAMLAND AND IT'S RIDIC AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE VELOCIRAPTORS, YOU FUCKERS." Seriously. That was the summary I started with. I looked at all the big bang summaries in the artist claims, plus all the
ANYWAY. Your comment wasn't creepy at all. It was fantastic! It really warms me when a reader can pick out the things they liked and why; it tells me I'm doing something half-right. My writing tends to be very cinematic, so I tried to tone it down a little. Looks like I failed, but I'm not too choked up about it. Whatever works, right?
Thank you so much for reading and for your wonderful comment! <3333
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Date: 2011-10-12 08:44 pm (UTC)It kind of sucks that you gave up shopping the idea around, because this would be an amaaaazing movie! But it's incredible as a BB!
Alright, I'm babbling... Anyway, just wanted you to know how much I loved this :-)
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Date: 2011-10-14 03:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-13 03:59 am (UTC)All Cas's impulsive need to save, to return to life, to make happy, just rushing forward for Dean. It was fantastically executed and left me unable to stop reading, and yet forced me to take breaks, or I fear it may have torn my heart even worse than it did. And it really did. What Cas promised Morpheus for his friends, eternity with one he has no want of after a brief life with the one he wants always.
I am not sure if this is a wise thing to post now. I'm a bit tired, on the edge of sleep deprivation, and this is one of those stories that makes me turn all my thought in. Makes me wonder what if and why, and makes me dream about possibilities. Added to the tired and I fear this comment will be edging towards maudlin and probably repetitive.
I'll just leave it with this. Thank-you for the beautiful story.
~Zirra
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Date: 2011-10-14 03:33 am (UTC)So, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!
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Date: 2011-10-13 06:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-14 03:34 am (UTC)You're not the first to tell me that my stories don't read like fanfiction. I dunno. It's weird. I'm weird. XD It was a bitch to write, but I'm pretty happy with it. I'm glad you are too.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting! <3333
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Date: 2011-10-13 06:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-14 03:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-13 07:49 am (UTC)First off, I can't help but me saddened we live in a world where people like you don't actually write for spn. This beats even my most favorite and cherished of episodes.
I absolutely ADORED the mythology. If there's anything I love to fucking death it's when good mythology is melded perfectly in a destiel story, showing it doesn't have to be all sex or all sappy heartbroken Castiel or have some big ooc declaration of love and everything is rainbows and butterflies. It can have an actual well-developed, progressive, interesting storyline to back it up and actually make you want to read the whole thing and appreciate it as a STORY not just a destiel story. But the mythology in particular, I literally flailed everywhere. It totally entranced me.
Castiel, wow, I know you said it was difficult to write him, but it was so worth the effort. It was perfect in that you didn't make him this weak sappy useless angel pathetically in love with Dean. He was still an angel, loved heaven and his father and his brothers , but obviously would not budge in the beliefs that humanity, and the Winchesters, had helped him come to realize. He just also happened to be tethered to this man whom he'd loved from the second he laid eyes on his soul. You turned him into this multidimensional, deep feeling, and complex character we all know he is but rarely get to really see on the show.
I love that you fully acknowledged that Sam and Cas have their own relationship separate from Dean. Sam wasn't like, "Yeah, whatever, stop bitching Cas and let's find DEAN." He truly felt and cared about Castiel in all he was going through, even before it started, trying to convince him not to give up his grace, that they would find another way. He cared as much about Cas's well being and his personal need to find Dean as his own. And on the flipside of that, Castiel's affection for Sam, oh god, it makes me all warm inside. Of course his dreams with Dean would involve Sam being happy and ever present in their lives .
There were two lines in particular where I doubled over with laughter:
"If I went any slower, we'd be too late to save everybody's favorite dipshit, and then you'd do the eyes and I'd never hear the end of it," and "Hey, fuck you, sandals! You don't get to decide that shit!". The first I can just hear Gabriel saying, because he cares but really he doesn't care and it's all fun for him. And the second, I just need to applaud you, because of course, OF COURSE it would be Dean Winchester calling the father of all things Sandals. It's too perfect, I can't handle it. OH, I just remembered, Dean calls the chainsaw Betty, just so you know, perfection, totally my headcanon now, I don't even care.
I think the thing that really struck me, though, was that the story created itself so well in my head. I'm a particularly visual reader and sometimes I find myself, even with the best of stories, having to stop and construct and reconstruct certain scenes in my head because I either wander away from what I'm reading or there just isn't that bit of...I don't know, spark, in the writing that immediately lends itself to creating the scene for yourself, but I had no problem with this story from word one. I read seamlessly like a mad woman and was able to enjoy the story so much more because of it. It was detailed and read so smoothly the only time I did stop was to go on and on to myself about how amazing the story was.
Part 2 because I went over the character limit.
Date: 2011-10-13 07:50 am (UTC)I can't say enough about this story. It's more than just a fanfiction, if this hadn't been Destiel, hell I'd have read it on its own. Congratulations and thank you for producing such a wonderful, amazing, perfect piece of work.
Re: Part 2 because I went over the character limit.
From:no subject
Date: 2011-10-14 03:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-14 02:21 am (UTC)but they say easy reading is damn hard writing!
I'll be thinking about this one for a long long time. So wonderful.
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Date: 2011-10-14 04:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-14 03:58 am (UTC)This was so fantastic. You should be proud. I'd like to think that Dean comes to his sense after he gets out of the hospital & Cas gets that life that he dreamed.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-14 04:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-14 09:10 am (UTC)There were times I almost jumped ship on this. I had a hard time with the torture, the pain, the fear, but persevered because I was so caught up in the characterization and the imagery and the wonder of this world you created. I had to see where you were taking it, so I stayed with it and by the end I was weeping openly but so glad I carried on. This is a brilliant piece of writing, of world-building, so fantastical but so psychologically true. You mention having had difficulty with Castiel's POV but it doesn't show; he is so vivid and real and ... I'm tearing up again, just thinking about his experiences here!
I could go on and on - the growth of the friendship with Sam, the amazing depth of each dream, the lyricism of the language and the way it entwined in my imagination - but I've made this more about me than about you already and I only meant to say that this is a spectacular piece of poetic prose I will not easily get over.
Now I need to start reading EVERYTHING ELSE YOU'VE WRITTEN. Thank you for writing.
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Date: 2011-10-17 02:04 pm (UTC)Also, thank you so much for reading and commenting. I'm so happy Castiel's characterization worked for you (he was such a biiiiiitch to write)!
All my other stuff is pretty torture-and-pain-free, so have at it! And thank you again! <333
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Date: 2011-10-14 12:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-19 01:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-14 05:33 pm (UTC)That is an awful lot of gushing for one comment, my apologies. But this story really sparked with me, and I shall carry it around with me for a while.
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Date: 2011-10-19 01:22 am (UTC)Anyway, thank you again! <3
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Date: 2011-10-15 12:22 am (UTC)Seriously - thanks for posting this. I enjoyed every moment of reading it.
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Date: 2011-10-19 02:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-15 02:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-19 02:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-15 07:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-19 03:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-15 12:30 pm (UTC)/deaaaaad.
Oh my gosh, this is amaaaaaazing. I really am so emotional right now, I can't even- sooooo good yet soooo absolutely sad. What a bittersweet ending. You had me crying at some parts, but I was BAWLING when I was reading chapter 7, Jesus.
Brb, now off to read "Named" :)
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Date: 2011-10-19 03:44 am (UTC)Thank you so much! <333
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Date: 2011-10-15 04:27 pm (UTC)Oneiroi for me is one of those stories.
I downloaded the PDF a few days ago and only had time to start reading it this morning, but ended up demolishing it in an hour. There was a sort of breathless suspension to all the action. Points in the action where the outcome was certain (I'm thinking particularly of when Castiel thought they'd chosen the wrong door, but in reality they'd picked the exact right one) you infused the story with this...tension, not necessarily propelled by 'what's going to happen next' so much as 'how will the characters react to what is coming next' and you gave them organic feeling, honest reactions and emotions, fleshed out and creatively turned. That to me is truly fantastic. Even though I knew what was going to happen (well, not details, obviously, but the basics, because in a quest story the quest must continue until the end, yes?) I was still enthralled and involved. It all felt familiar and yet odd, just like a dream itself.
This story made me laugh (Sam and dinosaurs! All the men in dream-niece-Mary's life thinking of ways to bury her boyfriend!), gasp (Castiel, easy as breathing, deciding to give his Grace for Dean, acting as though of course, what else would I do?) and cry--actual, tears streaming down my face, runny nose cry. There is so much I could/want to say in praise, so many small details and concepts you introduced and played with and mythology you involved that I would love to point and squeal over in my comment, but the ending--oh my god, the ending!
It's beautiful and bittersweet and we don't get confirmation that Castiel is ever really with Dean in "real life" until that small turn of phrase in the epilogue--Dean going to Castiel by the tree, and calling him "Cas", Castiel going to meet him and showing that Dean is there in the dream with him, showing that Morpheus kept his word and Dean is truly allowed to go wherever he wants, and where he wants is to be with Cas, and Cas with him...broke me, in the best possible way. Just...I love this story, and I am now going to devour everything else you've written that I can clap my eyes on.
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Date: 2011-10-19 07:20 pm (UTC)I need to find a tissue. Or possibly buy stock in Kleenex.
<33333
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Date: 2011-10-16 03:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-19 07:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-16 11:41 am (UTC)This is truly one of the most wonderful stories I have ever had the pleasure of reading, and I will be boomarking it to enjoy many more times in the future. You should be immensely proud of this; thank you for producing something so fantastic :) ♥
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Date: 2011-10-21 03:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-16 09:16 pm (UTC)Named was one of my favorites from last year's Big Bang so when I saw you had written this, I admit there was a moment where I let out some weirdly pitched squeal that only dogs could hear.
Anyway, I could wax poetic about this fic but in the end, I'd just be embarrassing myself so I'll just express the fact that if this fic were a person, I'd take it out to a nice, romantic dinner.
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Date: 2011-10-21 03:49 pm (UTC)Thank you so much! I'm thrilled that you've enjoyed both my big bangs!